My biggest mistake

I admit it. I failed as a mother. Just like so many others I misunderstood what my daughter was dealing with. While I have always sought help for my daughter when she said she needed it, I was never fully supportive. Because I didn’t think I had to be. Because I didn’t fully understand.

Until a week before this recent hospital admission, I believed my daughter could be better if she really wanted to. I believed that she was choosing not to get better because she wanted the attention. I believed she was using her illness to manipulate me and everyone around her to get what she wanted. Whatever that was. I believed she knew she was sick and wanted to use it to get out of trouble or as an excuse to avoid consequences for her choices. I thought I was doing okay because I at least behaved like it was all true, even though I wasn’t sure I fully believed it. I was wrong. I had failed as a mother.

But my beliefs have finally changed. And luckily, before I lost her forever. I believe that her breakdowns are not a choice or an effort to get attention. I believe it is her illness. I believe she says and does the things she says and does because of the illness, not intentional manipulation or deceit. I believe she wants to be better, but her illness won’t let it happen. I believe that every time she apologizes, she means it. I believe she loves her family more than anything in the world and would never intentionally behave in a way that is hurtful or selfish. I believe she is doing the best she can with the cards she has been dealt. And I believe it is exhausting and I don’t blame her for feeling like she just can’t do it anymore. She wants to be free from her head and she can’t catch a break.

I have stopped questioning motive because I know there is none. Now I can honestly put all of my effort, and all of my heart, behind helping her get better. I will encourage and listen, I will sit through the breakdowns and I will talk her through the lows. And she will get better because I believe her.

I know that many people in our lives feel the same way that I did. I get it. I don’t blame anyone for wanting to distance themselves from the drama that encompasses our family. I know that many will still judge me as a parent; saying that I am too lenient or that I am letting her fool me. I don’t care. Because I believe her. Completely. I will stop failing her and be the mother she needs. I will never fully understand what she is going through, but I will fully support her in her treatment and she will get through this because I believe her.