Looking for "normal"

I’m at my wits end. To be honest, my house is a disaster. It hasn’t been scrubbed clean in weeks. The baskets of clean laundry are taking over the living room and there is still a mountain waiting to be cleaned. I expected to get so much more done this weekend since we didn’t have to visit the hospital. Instead it was more exhausting that I expected it to be. And I have no energy to do more.

At least my daughter is home. She came home Friday. It was a nice day, albeit busy. We began moving her into and organizing her new room, the kids and I went to the mall so the girls could get their eyebrows threaded and then went out to dinner. By the time we got home my husband was home from work and my sister, her husband and three kids had come out from Syracuse to see MacKenzie and help with the house. And it was right back to work.

As part of keeping a closer eye on MacKenzie and making it easier to check in with her, we decided to swap her room with our four-year-old son’s - moving her downstairs and him up. This was a more involved project than I had hoped – moving every personal item, weeding through clothes to get rid of ones that were no longer wanted or worn; stacking his things in the dining room while we brought down her stuff. Now all of the leftovers and unneeded items are still in there. We can’t eat at the table as a family until I get all of that cleared out.

Between feeling overwhelmed, hoping MacKenzie was okay, and worrying about the state of my house, I haven’t had much sleep the last few nights. Plus, moving my son upstairs and so far away from me has caused more separation anxiety for me than I expected. And I am dragging right now. I don’t want to keep moving forward; I want to crawl into a hole.

I have job, a husband, three kids who need me, and a house that needs my attention. I am working hard to balance it all, and don’t think I am succeeding. I am thankful to have a husband who is my rock and my shoulder to lean on when I want to collapse. I’d be lost without him. I also have three amazing kids who love each other, and us, very much.  I believe we are closer than most families and am thankful we have each other. I am just clinging to the hope that each day will be better and we will find and settle into our new normal.