Choosing to be you

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague the other day. It started with a discussion about poverty. As a white man, who grew up in a Catholic, middle-class family, he never understood how kids needed schools to provide breakfast and lunch free of charge. It wasn’t until he started getting involved in community work that he truly began to understand the impact poverty had on kids and their performance at school.

Somehow the conversation made its way from supporting the youth in our community and then to transgender youth specifically. His believe is that being gay and/or transgender is a choice. He thinks kids do it to fit in or stand out in their communities. He then said something really profound, ran right into the point and didn’t even see it. He said, “with everything happening to transgender people right now, why would you ever choose to identify that way?”

That’s exactly the point. Why would anyone ever choose to be hated, discriminated against, rejected, and threatened? They wouldn’t. No one would say, “I think I am going to be gay or transgender because I want people to threaten my life. I want my life to be extra hard. I want people to stare and spit and swear at me just for being. I want people to reject me, to throw me out of places, to create laws against my existence. Yeah, I think I’ll be trans.”

There is a choice, but not whether one is or is not LGBTQ+. The choice is whether to live as one’s authentic self, to be brave enough to say, “I am going to be me, even if they hate me. Even if they reject me. Even if they make laws to dehumanize me. Because I have to be me.” Or to choose silence. To hide and live life as a lie, being someone you don’t know, in a body you don’t belong in, and hating yourself for it. All in an attempt to avoid the hate, rejection, discrimination, and threats to your life.

So that’s the choice, to hide your authentic self, to isolate and pretend, or to be yourself and face the hate of others. Some choice, huh?

Me? I choose kindness. I choose to believe people are who they show me they are. I choose to encourage others to be their authentic selves and then love and accept them for it. I choose to be a safe place for everyone. Period. 

A place of belonging

I am so thankful I decided to become a foster parent. The 10-day respite visit with B and K was amazing. They are just such good kids. My heart breaks for the situation they are in and the trauma they have endured, but they both take it in stride and prefer to look forward rather than dwell in the past. 

Vader loved having someone to play basketball and video games with. B enjoyed having an adult he could sit and talk to. And boy did he talk! K appreciated having his own space. Overall, we all had a great experience. We have stayed in touch and will continue to do so. 

We are now getting to know another 16-year-old. We started with a short meeting, then an overnight visit, and now we are planning a whole weekend. I am nervous about it. I hope they like me. I hope they see that I am a good person, with an open heart. I want them to know they will have a safe place to be themself in my home. That my home can be their home. I want to give them a place where they feel seen and valued, where they belong. 

I also appreciated the fact that we have the chance to meet and get to know each other a bit before they moves in. Kids in foster care have had everything ripped away from them and I think it is important for them to have some say about where they go and who they live with. It isn’t a perfect system and sometimes there isn’t time or many options to choose from. But for them, for this possible foster relationship, I am thankful they get a voice. I am thankful that we have the ability to choose each other. 

Opening my home to others

In May of 2022 I decided to become a foster parent. After background checks, fingerprinting, months of training, and in-depth personal interviews, I am finally ready to begin accepting children into my home. 

I will begin this Friday with two 16-year-old boys for a 10-day respite stay. I think it is the perfect opportunity to learn and adjust to sharing our home. Vader is excited, both because they enjoy video games and because they share the same taste in snacks - chips, crackers, and smoothies. Who doesn’t though, right? 

I am not naive. I know this journey isn’t going to be easy. I know I am taking on a lot and will be challenged often. It will be harder than I expect at times, I’m sure. There will be a lot of bumps and heartache along the way. But there will also be growth and love and connection too. And when the time comes, it will be hard to say goodbye to each and every child that passes through. But this isn’t about me. It’s about them. 

It’s about providing a safe, loving, and welcoming home for however long they stay. It is about sharing their hopes and dreams with them, and encouraging them to be themselves, fully and completely. It’s being a trusted adult who believes in them and is proud of their achievements, big and small. It’s keeping them connected to their families, friends, faith, and cultures. It is about being a support for their birth families when they need it most and helping them move through the trauma with patience and grace. 

I appreciate all of the love and support along the way and still to come. I am excited for this next step. Whatever it brings, I will face it with my whole heart. 

New Year, New Word

I know it’s been a while since I shared any family news. Years have passed and so much has changed. Vader is in 5th grade, heading to middle school in the fall. Jasmine is about to start the spring semester of her sophomore year in college. She is pursuing a degree in education with the goal of teaching students with autism. MacKenzie is nannying part-time and building her hairdressing/ barbering career at a salon downtown. I started working in corporate communications for a popular Northeast grocery chain as a senior public relations coordinator a few months ago and am loving it!

We didn’t make it through the last few years, and the pandemic, unscathed. There were more trips to the hospital for mental health support, including an extended stay for Jasmine just as the pandemic was hitting. MacKenzie has survived and learned from some pretty toxic relationships and is really focusing on herself now. Both girls are focused on living with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, anxiety, and depression and the rollercoaster it can be. Vader has adjusted well to having two homes, one with me and one with Tony, Tony’s girlfriend and her son. It was really hard on him for a long time, but now it’s just the new normal and it’s working. I credit a lot of that to the friendship that Tony and I have. We may not have been a good couple, but we are great co-parents and, more importantly, friends.

I silently struggled with my own depression and anxiety for years, almost taking my life a few months after losing Grandma in November of 2020. Thankfully, I am still here. I am on medication, in therapy, and thriving. A few of my sisters and I started a podcast (anchor.fm/sister-trip) to address our past, it's impact on our present, and what we hope for the future. I am also in a loving, supportive relationship with a man I adore. Life is by no means perfect, but it sure is pretty damn good right now. 

Each New Year's Eve, rather than coming up with a resolution or several resolutions, I prefer to focus on a single word. Last year my word was growth. I was looking to grow as a person, a mother, a communications leader, and a public relations professional. I believe I accomplished all of those things. I had family, friends, and a boyfriend who encouraged me to grow all year. That's what I did. It's what I continue to do.

Last spring, I decided to pursue foster care and in the next couple of days I will be certified as a therapeutic foster home. That's really what has led to this year's word. Courage. Courage to open my home to children in need. Courage to use my privilege to help others be heard. Courage to challenge others' growth and courage to challenge my own. Courage to step out of my comfort zone. Courage to listen without judgment and love without boundaries. Courage to allow myself to be loved completely and to love completely in return. Courage to step out into the unknown, knowing that I am prepared for whatever it brings. 

Fall 2022