Back at the hospital

I can't believe we are back at the hospital. Back in the mental health and wellness wing. Back to visiting our daughter every day. But this time it's different. This time Tony took her because I was out of state. This time it's summer.  This time the waiting room in CPEP was empty. This time the wait between arrival and admission was eight hours instead of 18-36 or more. And this time, this time it's Jasmine.

Depression really sucks. It's so complex and unexplainable. It is so much more than a deep and heavy sadness. It takes the light, meaning, purpose, hope, and joy out of your life, regardless of what is going on, who you are with, and what you are doing.

The good news is that my girls know that we care. They know that we believe mental illness is real and serious. They know that we believe in help and hope and that we are there for them every step of the way. The fact that my girls can even share a small piece of what they are going through with us, is the reason they are alive today. My heart breaks not only for what my girls deal with, but for all of those hundreds and thousands of people who struggle and have no one.

Help is important. Support is important. Medication, therapy, and treatment are important. And loving, supportive people in your life, people you know you can depend on when things get extra shitty, are often the only thing between life and death. Even just one person can be all the difference. You don't need to know exactly what to say, it's being there that matters most.

So I ask you to open your eyes. See the pain and be the hope. Sometimes it's draining to love and support someone with a mental illness, but the reward is so worth it. They are worth it. Their life is worth it.  You need to be the one to make sure that they know that. Be the person someone else needs right now. Open your eyes and ears to those around you. Even the smallest act of support could be life-changing. And life-saving. So today I ask you to be the reason that someone seeks help or finds hope. It's as simple as letting those around you know that if they need someone, you are there.

So here we go, back to daily visits at the hospital. Doing whatever it takes to be a strong, supportive family for Jasmine, a watchful eye for MacKenzie, and a loving heart for anyone who needs it. As To Write Love on Her Arms says - "we will be the hopeful" because we know that hope and help are real. Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, we will keep fighting. And there will be better days.

Celebrating success - together

A lot of changes are in store for our family over the next five weeks, and I couldn’t be more proud, or more emotional about it.

May 20 marks one year since MacKenzie returned home from her last trip to the behavioral health unit of the hospital. Her demons are big and ferocious and will always be there, but she is winning the battle. She has matured so much this year, taking her self-care responsibilities seriously and learning to better understand her mental illnesses. Of course, regular therapy and proper medication are extremely important; understanding an illness and the willingness to do the work it takes to stay well are also very important.

I believe her current successes show just how much she has grown and how committed she is to taking care of herself. The cosmetology program she is just about done with has not only prepared her for her future, but it helped her to discover her passion and helped mold her into the confident woman that she is. I give a lot of this credit to her teacher, who saw a lot of lows and is now helping celebrate the highs. MacKenzie places fourth in the Skills USA statewide competition for esthetics; she received the Make All the Difference Scholarship from BOCES to continue her education in the field by attending barber school in the fall; and she will graduate high school with her temporary cosmetology license.

Her senior project focused on ending the stigma around mental health. She not only shared her struggles, but encouraged others to get the help they need. She is determined to help others find the support and success that she has found. She learned a lot about herself and her BPD during the project and has become more adept at using her coping skills and seeking help when she needs it. (We will continue in our advocacy for mental health and getting the attention it needs through action, not just words. Stay tuned.)

On May 10 she received the Youth Hall of Fame Award from our Chamber of Commerce for fighting so hard to overcome her struggles and for helping so many others. Last night was the award ceremony for the scholarship. Next week she is receiving an academic award from the English Department. In two weeks Jasmine has her Moving -up Ceremony as she prepares to enter high school. MacKenzie will also have her BOCES graduation ceremony that week. And as we approach the end of the month Vader will have a graduation ceremony for pre-K and MacKenzie will walk the stage at her high school graduation. 

I will be a complete puddle of emotion by the time summer hits. But here we are. Here we all are as a family celebrating everyone’s milestones together. And MacKenzie is here. A little over a year ago we almost lost her to her demons. We almost didn’t have this. Almost. But we didn’t crawl under a rock; she didn’t crawl under a rock. We fought as a family. We persevered as family. We were her strength when she had none. We kept going because we believe hope is real. Help is out there. It does get better. The battle never ends, but we get stronger and better at fighting it. And now we get to celebrate all of these milestones. Together.

So Proud!

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, but I guess we’ve just been so busy with life, that I haven’t had time for a check-in, but I think this information deserves a little sharing.

The following letter was written by MacKenzie’s school counselor to nominate her for our town’s Youth Hall of Fame Award. I think her words capture how well MacKenzie is doing and the growth she has made, especially this year.

To Whom It May Concern,

It is my honor and privilege to nominate MacKenzie for the [Town] Youth Hall of Fame Award. I am nominating her for this honor because of her tenacity, strength and perseverance. She is an extraordinary young woman who has learned the meaning of hard work and dedication.

MacKenzie started high school just like every other peer in her class, eager, nervous and excited for this new beginning. Shortly into high school, MacKenzie began to struggle with depression and anxiety; a battle that MacKenzie was determined to overcome and fight. Along her high school journey, she struggled to maintain her mental health but never lost sight of her goals and aspirations. Her future goals kept her fighting, seeking out support and using the skill she learned to conquer. As a junior MacKenzie began the Cosmetology program at [BOCES] and accelerated quickly in the program, she gained confidence, poise and more determination than ever before. Today she stands tall and proud of her accomplishments. She is mature, self-reflective and independent. For her senior project, she will be presenting on her mental health struggles highlighting resources for other students.

It has been a journey for MacKenzie that I am proud I was able to witness. The strength and determination this young woman has is remarkable. She is a fighter and after graduation this year she will no doubt go on to do great things. I feel honored to nominate her for the [Town] Youth Hall of Fame Award.

Sincerely,

School Counselor

We were notified this weekend that she was selected as one of two recipients of this award for 2017. Her photo will hang in the town hall for one year. There will be a recognition ceremony next month; I will be sure to share photos.

She really is doing very well. Her grades and attendance are the best they have been in high school. Her commitment to her wellness is unfaltering. And this has been and will be the first year in high school that she has not and will not need to spend time in the hospital. Four years ago at this time we didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. But we did not give up. She did not give up. She struggled along the way, nevertheless, she persisted! In less than 10 weeks she will walk the stage at 

graduation and into a very bright, very long, future. And we are so proud!!