My Exceptional Family

Being a mom is hard. And rewarding. And confusing. And fulfilling. And lonely. And the best thing I have ever done. I am grateful for the opportunity to have six wonderful and loving children. Each one is unique and amazing and I am blessed to have them call me “Mom.”  

We Just passed the one year anniversary of adoption (May 20, 2024) and life is challenging and rewarding, frustrating and  beautiful, exciting and messy, and, honestly, terrifying. There is trauma history and triggers, ADHD, C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, behavior disorders, epilepsy, and autism.

So yes, I am overwhelmed, exhausted beyond measure, unable to relax, and usually stretched far too thin. I am only one person and am rarely able to give each one of my children the time and attention they deserve. I remain committed to being and doing the best I can for them all. I am focused on loving them, finding joy in the chaos, and celebrating the diversity of my family, while I fight for the support and services they desperately need.

I have heard more often than I want to admit, that I took on too much, I should have spent more time before making the decision to adopt three kids by myself.  What they see as frazzled, non-stop movement, my inability to sit down or be still is actually love amid chaos, being attentive to the emotions of my children, my desire to offer and create a safe and welcoming home, focus on being a loving family, learning to understand who my children are and making sure that I am meeting them where they are with what they need.

My children show me how much they appreciate me, how thankful they are that I am their mother, and how excited they are about our future together as a family. Not a day goes by that I'm not thanked for what I do, in big and small ways. But whatever the future holds, I am here for it and am completely committed to my children. I don't know everything I need to know about autism spectrum disorder, epilepsy, or the myriad other challenges they face, and probably never will. But damn am I thankful for the opportunity to learn and watch them grow and succeed. 

So, yes. Being a mom is hard. And rewarding. And confusing. And fulfilling. And lonely. And the best thing I have ever done.

Adoption Day May 20, 2024

Welcoming 2024 with Grace

 January 23, 2024

What a whirlwind. Becoming a foster parent has brought more joy and pain, excitement and fear, frustration and celebration, than I could have ever imagined. In all, I fostered 12 children in 2023. Most of them were only here for a few days of respite, one for several months. The three I have now have been with me since the end of June. 

The three boys share a birth mother and have been freed for adoption most of their lives. They are 13, 8, and 3. The oldest has had two failed adoptions, the others, one. They are the sweetest kids you could ever meet who also carry a lot of trauma from unspeakable abuse. Their stories are ones of strength, courage, unshakable resilience, kindness, and above all, hope. 

As I reflected on our new lives together, our new normal, my new normal, I recognized that I was pushing myself too hard, judging myself too harshly, and unnecessarily trying to prove myself to others, to convince them, and myself, that I am the right mom for my boys. I spent 2023 trying to be everything to everyone, losing focus of what truly matters. Being in constant motion as a single mom with four boys at home and two adult daughters, working a full-time job, keeping up with cooking and cleaning and laundry, volunteering, friendships, a relationship, and all of the other things life brings, is not sustainable. And that’s okay. 

Heading into the new year, it wasn’t too difficult to choose my word for 2024. Grace. I choose to give myself grace. Grace to let the housework go; grace to take a step back and let them play, even when it gets loud and messy; grace to admit I am still learning, and will always be learning, how to be a mom of autistic children; grace to not try so hard to prove myself; grace to let my significant other step up and take stuff off my plate; grace to be supportive and loving to all of my children by meeting them where there are; grace to accept my failures and celebrate my success; grace to just be.

Grace has brought peace, joy, and rest in ways I didn’t allow for before. And we are just getting started! Don't worry, once the adoption is final you will get to see their faces. Give me a few months, I'm working on that.

December 2023

Choosing to be you

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague the other day. It started with a discussion about poverty. As a white man, who grew up in a Catholic, middle-class family, he never understood how kids needed schools to provide breakfast and lunch free of charge. It wasn’t until he started getting involved in community work that he truly began to understand the impact poverty had on kids and their performance at school.

Somehow the conversation made its way from supporting the youth in our community and then to transgender youth specifically. His believe is that being gay and/or transgender is a choice. He thinks kids do it to fit in or stand out in their communities. He then said something really profound, ran right into the point and didn’t even see it. He said, “with everything happening to transgender people right now, why would you ever choose to identify that way?”

That’s exactly the point. Why would anyone ever choose to be hated, discriminated against, rejected, and threatened? They wouldn’t. No one would say, “I think I am going to be gay or transgender because I want people to threaten my life. I want my life to be extra hard. I want people to stare and spit and swear at me just for being. I want people to reject me, to throw me out of places, to create laws against my existence. Yeah, I think I’ll be trans.”

There is a choice, but not whether one is or is not LGBTQ+. The choice is whether to live as one’s authentic self, to be brave enough to say, “I am going to be me, even if they hate me. Even if they reject me. Even if they make laws to dehumanize me. Because I have to be me.” Or to choose silence. To hide and live life as a lie, being someone you don’t know, in a body you don’t belong in, and hating yourself for it. All in an attempt to avoid the hate, rejection, discrimination, and threats to your life.

So that’s the choice, to hide your authentic self, to isolate and pretend, or to be yourself and face the hate of others. Some choice, huh?

Me? I choose kindness. I choose to believe people are who they show me they are. I choose to encourage others to be their authentic selves and then love and accept them for it. I choose to be a safe place for everyone. Period. 

A place of belonging

I am so thankful I decided to become a foster parent. The 10-day respite visit with B and K was amazing. They are just such good kids. My heart breaks for the situation they are in and the trauma they have endured, but they both take it in stride and prefer to look forward rather than dwell in the past. 

Vader loved having someone to play basketball and video games with. B enjoyed having an adult he could sit and talk to. And boy did he talk! K appreciated having his own space. Overall, we all had a great experience. We have stayed in touch and will continue to do so. 

We are now getting to know another 16-year-old. We started with a short meeting, then an overnight visit, and now we are planning a whole weekend. I am nervous about it. I hope they like me. I hope they see that I am a good person, with an open heart. I want them to know they will have a safe place to be themself in my home. That my home can be their home. I want to give them a place where they feel seen and valued, where they belong. 

I also appreciated the fact that we have the chance to meet and get to know each other a bit before they moves in. Kids in foster care have had everything ripped away from them and I think it is important for them to have some say about where they go and who they live with. It isn’t a perfect system and sometimes there isn’t time or many options to choose from. But for them, for this possible foster relationship, I am thankful they get a voice. I am thankful that we have the ability to choose each other. 

Opening my home to others

In May of 2022 I decided to become a foster parent. After background checks, fingerprinting, months of training, and in-depth personal interviews, I am finally ready to begin accepting children into my home. 

I will begin this Friday with two 16-year-old boys for a 10-day respite stay. I think it is the perfect opportunity to learn and adjust to sharing our home. Vader is excited, both because they enjoy video games and because they share the same taste in snacks - chips, crackers, and smoothies. Who doesn’t though, right? 

I am not naive. I know this journey isn’t going to be easy. I know I am taking on a lot and will be challenged often. It will be harder than I expect at times, I’m sure. There will be a lot of bumps and heartache along the way. But there will also be growth and love and connection too. And when the time comes, it will be hard to say goodbye to each and every child that passes through. But this isn’t about me. It’s about them. 

It’s about providing a safe, loving, and welcoming home for however long they stay. It is about sharing their hopes and dreams with them, and encouraging them to be themselves, fully and completely. It’s being a trusted adult who believes in them and is proud of their achievements, big and small. It’s keeping them connected to their families, friends, faith, and cultures. It is about being a support for their birth families when they need it most and helping them move through the trauma with patience and grace. 

I appreciate all of the love and support along the way and still to come. I am excited for this next step. Whatever it brings, I will face it with my whole heart. 

New Year, New Word

I know it’s been a while since I shared any family news. Years have passed and so much has changed. Vader is in 5th grade, heading to middle school in the fall. Jasmine is about to start the spring semester of her sophomore year in college. She is pursuing a degree in education with the goal of teaching students with autism. MacKenzie is nannying part-time and building her hairdressing/ barbering career at a salon downtown. I started working in corporate communications for a popular Northeast grocery chain as a senior public relations coordinator a few months ago and am loving it!

We didn’t make it through the last few years, and the pandemic, unscathed. There were more trips to the hospital for mental health support, including an extended stay for Jasmine just as the pandemic was hitting. MacKenzie has survived and learned from some pretty toxic relationships and is really focusing on herself now. Both girls are focused on living with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, anxiety, and depression and the rollercoaster it can be. Vader has adjusted well to having two homes, one with me and one with Tony, Tony’s girlfriend and her son. It was really hard on him for a long time, but now it’s just the new normal and it’s working. I credit a lot of that to the friendship that Tony and I have. We may not have been a good couple, but we are great co-parents and, more importantly, friends.

I silently struggled with my own depression and anxiety for years, almost taking my life a few months after losing Grandma in November of 2020. Thankfully, I am still here. I am on medication, in therapy, and thriving. A few of my sisters and I started a podcast (anchor.fm/sister-trip) to address our past, it's impact on our present, and what we hope for the future. I am also in a loving, supportive relationship with a man I adore. Life is by no means perfect, but it sure is pretty damn good right now. 

Each New Year's Eve, rather than coming up with a resolution or several resolutions, I prefer to focus on a single word. Last year my word was growth. I was looking to grow as a person, a mother, a communications leader, and a public relations professional. I believe I accomplished all of those things. I had family, friends, and a boyfriend who encouraged me to grow all year. That's what I did. It's what I continue to do.

Last spring, I decided to pursue foster care and in the next couple of days I will be certified as a therapeutic foster home. That's really what has led to this year's word. Courage. Courage to open my home to children in need. Courage to use my privilege to help others be heard. Courage to challenge others' growth and courage to challenge my own. Courage to step out of my comfort zone. Courage to listen without judgment and love without boundaries. Courage to allow myself to be loved completely and to love completely in return. Courage to step out into the unknown, knowing that I am prepared for whatever it brings. 

Fall 2022

Back at the hospital

I can't believe we are back at the hospital. Back in the mental health and wellness wing. Back to visiting our daughter every day. But this time it's different. This time Tony took her because I was out of state. This time it's summer.  This time the waiting room in CPEP was empty. This time the wait between arrival and admission was eight hours instead of 18-36 or more. And this time, this time it's Jasmine.

Depression really sucks. It's so complex and unexplainable. It is so much more than a deep and heavy sadness. It takes the light, meaning, purpose, hope, and joy out of your life, regardless of what is going on, who you are with, and what you are doing.

The good news is that my girls know that we care. They know that we believe mental illness is real and serious. They know that we believe in help and hope and that we are there for them every step of the way. The fact that my girls can even share a small piece of what they are going through with us, is the reason they are alive today. My heart breaks not only for what my girls deal with, but for all of those hundreds and thousands of people who struggle and have no one.

Help is important. Support is important. Medication, therapy, and treatment are important. And loving, supportive people in your life, people you know you can depend on when things get extra shitty, are often the only thing between life and death. Even just one person can be all the difference. You don't need to know exactly what to say, it's being there that matters most.

So I ask you to open your eyes. See the pain and be the hope. Sometimes it's draining to love and support someone with a mental illness, but the reward is so worth it. They are worth it. Their life is worth it.  You need to be the one to make sure that they know that. Be the person someone else needs right now. Open your eyes and ears to those around you. Even the smallest act of support could be life-changing. And life-saving. So today I ask you to be the reason that someone seeks help or finds hope. It's as simple as letting those around you know that if they need someone, you are there.

So here we go, back to daily visits at the hospital. Doing whatever it takes to be a strong, supportive family for Jasmine, a watchful eye for MacKenzie, and a loving heart for anyone who needs it. As To Write Love on Her Arms says - "we will be the hopeful" because we know that hope and help are real. Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, we will keep fighting. And there will be better days.

Celebrating success - together

A lot of changes are in store for our family over the next five weeks, and I couldn’t be more proud, or more emotional about it.

May 20 marks one year since MacKenzie returned home from her last trip to the behavioral health unit of the hospital. Her demons are big and ferocious and will always be there, but she is winning the battle. She has matured so much this year, taking her self-care responsibilities seriously and learning to better understand her mental illnesses. Of course, regular therapy and proper medication are extremely important; understanding an illness and the willingness to do the work it takes to stay well are also very important.

I believe her current successes show just how much she has grown and how committed she is to taking care of herself. The cosmetology program she is just about done with has not only prepared her for her future, but it helped her to discover her passion and helped mold her into the confident woman that she is. I give a lot of this credit to her teacher, who saw a lot of lows and is now helping celebrate the highs. MacKenzie places fourth in the Skills USA statewide competition for esthetics; she received the Make All the Difference Scholarship from BOCES to continue her education in the field by attending barber school in the fall; and she will graduate high school with her temporary cosmetology license.

Her senior project focused on ending the stigma around mental health. She not only shared her struggles, but encouraged others to get the help they need. She is determined to help others find the support and success that she has found. She learned a lot about herself and her BPD during the project and has become more adept at using her coping skills and seeking help when she needs it. (We will continue in our advocacy for mental health and getting the attention it needs through action, not just words. Stay tuned.)

On May 10 she received the Youth Hall of Fame Award from our Chamber of Commerce for fighting so hard to overcome her struggles and for helping so many others. Last night was the award ceremony for the scholarship. Next week she is receiving an academic award from the English Department. In two weeks Jasmine has her Moving -up Ceremony as she prepares to enter high school. MacKenzie will also have her BOCES graduation ceremony that week. And as we approach the end of the month Vader will have a graduation ceremony for pre-K and MacKenzie will walk the stage at her high school graduation. 

I will be a complete puddle of emotion by the time summer hits. But here we are. Here we all are as a family celebrating everyone’s milestones together. And MacKenzie is here. A little over a year ago we almost lost her to her demons. We almost didn’t have this. Almost. But we didn’t crawl under a rock; she didn’t crawl under a rock. We fought as a family. We persevered as family. We were her strength when she had none. We kept going because we believe hope is real. Help is out there. It does get better. The battle never ends, but we get stronger and better at fighting it. And now we get to celebrate all of these milestones. Together.

So Proud!

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, but I guess we’ve just been so busy with life, that I haven’t had time for a check-in, but I think this information deserves a little sharing.

The following letter was written by MacKenzie’s school counselor to nominate her for our town’s Youth Hall of Fame Award. I think her words capture how well MacKenzie is doing and the growth she has made, especially this year.

To Whom It May Concern,

It is my honor and privilege to nominate MacKenzie for the [Town] Youth Hall of Fame Award. I am nominating her for this honor because of her tenacity, strength and perseverance. She is an extraordinary young woman who has learned the meaning of hard work and dedication.

MacKenzie started high school just like every other peer in her class, eager, nervous and excited for this new beginning. Shortly into high school, MacKenzie began to struggle with depression and anxiety; a battle that MacKenzie was determined to overcome and fight. Along her high school journey, she struggled to maintain her mental health but never lost sight of her goals and aspirations. Her future goals kept her fighting, seeking out support and using the skill she learned to conquer. As a junior MacKenzie began the Cosmetology program at [BOCES] and accelerated quickly in the program, she gained confidence, poise and more determination than ever before. Today she stands tall and proud of her accomplishments. She is mature, self-reflective and independent. For her senior project, she will be presenting on her mental health struggles highlighting resources for other students.

It has been a journey for MacKenzie that I am proud I was able to witness. The strength and determination this young woman has is remarkable. She is a fighter and after graduation this year she will no doubt go on to do great things. I feel honored to nominate her for the [Town] Youth Hall of Fame Award.

Sincerely,

School Counselor

We were notified this weekend that she was selected as one of two recipients of this award for 2017. Her photo will hang in the town hall for one year. There will be a recognition ceremony next month; I will be sure to share photos.

She really is doing very well. Her grades and attendance are the best they have been in high school. Her commitment to her wellness is unfaltering. And this has been and will be the first year in high school that she has not and will not need to spend time in the hospital. Four years ago at this time we didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. But we did not give up. She did not give up. She struggled along the way, nevertheless, she persisted! In less than 10 weeks she will walk the stage at 

graduation and into a very bright, very long, future. And we are so proud!!

Great read

I'd like to think that I can say everything for my daughter, and myself, and mental illness as eloquently or concisely or beautifully as anyone out there. That somehow my words are as strong or stronger or more effective than any other you might read. But that is simply not true. Our story is one of many. Many that we can relate to. Many that speak to us in words better than our own.

This morning I came across the perfect article online to share with friends she has lost due to her anxiety. Words similar to the ones she has shared with me. Words she has not been able to articulate so perfectly herself yet, but I know are in her heart. Words I needed to hear. So today I ask you to read this from The Mighty and think of those around you living with a level of anxiety that we will never understand. And don't walk away. Thank you!

Vacation

It's been a long time coming and I didn't think we'd make it. With everything going on, this vacation we planned in December felt like it would never get here and if it did we would probably miss it. Yet here we are, at the beach. Eight days just the five if us. All five of us. Together. A miracle.

My daughter got out of the hospital on May 20. Can't believe it's been that long already, although some days it feels much longer. Sometimes it feels like everything learned there, everything gained was lost. By all of us. Like we have forgotten what she is dealing with and go back to the everyday, get-through-the-day lives we always had. We forget patience, she forgets her coping skills. We forget her brain is sick and she forgets we support her.

I think her biggest fear is that since she isn't in the hospital that we think she is better. That we think her new medication has solved everything and we don't need to worry about her mental illness anymore. As long as we dole out the proper number of pills everyday and make sure she gets enough sleep, she's fine. It's hard to remind her that we know that isn't true. We know that every day is a struggle. Every day is work. For all of us, just in different ways. Just as we can't fully understand what it is like to be her, she can't fully understand what it is like to be a family member, a parent, of someone with a mental illness.

But we try. We do our best, most days. Most days are good. Most days we are coming into our new normal. A family better understanding and adjusting. Most days, not all days. Many days we argue. Many days we don't want to try. Many days we blame each other.

Yet here we are. Imperfect. All five of us. Together at the beach for eight days. We brought it all with us, but we also left it all behind. Twenty-four hours in and we are enjoying each other again. Carefree and fun. Just what we needed. Re-energizing so that our best days continue to be most days. So that on the bad days, we can forgive each other a little easier. So we can have a little more patience. So we have more better days. This is the perfect reminder that each one of us, all five of us, matter as a part of this family and as individuals. We are the best, strongest, perfectly-imperfect family because we have each other.

This is our life. We are learning to live it. Together. All five of us.